Friday, September 9, 2011

Redemption


On the occasion of my sweet son's SIXTH (!!!) birthday, I wanted to post the story of his birth-- and mine. I warn you: it is LONG! Interestingly enough, since it's been 6 years, the dates correspond to this year's calendar. 


This is the story of the birth (yes, BIRTH!) of Rowan, my third child, the first baby to whom I gave birth. It's the story of my long-fought-for and dearly wanted VBAC, my UBA2C. In a way, it's my own birth story-- because I felt that I died on the operating table when my second baby was extracted from my body after a failed induction, but I was born as Rowan emerged from my strong, resilient uterus.

I'm taking some of this straight from my journal-- I've long since succumbed to some mommy amnesia. Some of my labor and birth are already fuzzy... some parts, like the feel ofRowan's head as he was crowning, I will never forget. Never.


Sunday, 4 September 2005

My physical state is fine. No sign of impending labor. Let it be. [This Beatles song gave me my pregnancy and birth mantra.]
Emotionally... sigh. Bored, discouraged, depressed. Wish it'd just get going so I could stop worrying about it. DON'T want to go back to work on Tuesday, but no choice if no labor-- I can't afford to lose paid time off hours. BLECK!!


Monday, 5 September 2005 -- Labor Day. Ha!

Physical: fine, a few more ctx [contractions], some fairly intense.

Emotional: hate the world, wish everyone in it would bugger off and leave me alone! 

Tuesday, 6 Sept 2005

41 weeks, on the dot.
WHY AM I NOT IN LABOR???!?!?!
Am I really broken?
No. Can't be. Surely not.
It'll happen. Won't it?
Tami G. emailed me and said something profound: in a month, I'll be holding my baby. Hang onto that.
ICAN VBAC!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 7 September 2005  ~5 pm

Stopped to get gas-- reached down to pop the gas tank door-- felt another distinct POP! Water broke-- gushing, but clear. Baby obviously not engaged. Got back in the car and drove home-- lots more fluid with each ctx. Niagara Falls effect stopped when I got home and got upright for awhile-- Rowan's head settled deeper in pelvis?

Few light ctx, not regular. Trying to stay up, moving, etc, but leaking is a problem. Stood at computer and emailed ICAN, IM'd Lisa-Marie. Hard to concentrate.

6:30 pm-- kneeling on bed, rocking hips-- feels good. Ctx still seem light.

7 pm-- up and around a bit, lots of show. Loose stool. Light ctx every 2-3 minutes (trying to avoid the clock). Bored. Lying on side uncomfortable-- up to shower again.

9 pm-- ctx spaced out. Not timing. Can only focus on one thing at once during ctx. RELAX. More gushing-- not like earlier, though. Sleep soon?

10 pm-- KIDS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Whining, fighting, carrying on-- wish I had someone to take them AWAY! Definite downside to DIY. Ctx more intense. More show. Going to sleep soon-- assuming kids will stay in bed! [NB: Rhiannon, my daughter, was 5 at this time; Gareth, my first son, whose story I posted on his birthday, was 3. They slept through everything.]

11 pm-- no sleep for me, can't lie down comfortably. Shower WONDERFUL!

_____


This is where my journal entries end-- I couldn't write anymore. The kids did stay in bed, and I sent their dad, John, to bed too. I told him to get some rest, and I'd call him when I needed him. I figured I had hours ahead of me, and he would need the sleep. Then, labor hit like a freight train!
I had been in the shower for maybe ten minutes when I got out to tell him that I needed the pool NOW. And I promptly went and got into it!

The pool was set up in my living room, and was about a quarter filled. John had started working on it as soon as I came home and informed him that my waters had released-- we never did get a hose or an attachment for the faucet, so he was filling it one bucket at a time. Luckily, we have a wonderful hot water heater-- it never failed me. And John, who was a trooper through the whole labor, boiled pot after pot of water (how stereotypical can you get?) to "hot up" my pool even more.

When the pool was about 2/3 full of blissfully hot water, John set up camp in the living room. He dragged in the mattress from Gareth's (unused) toddler bed, covered it with sheets and a comforter, then got in and tried to go back to sleep, while I labored in the pool.

It was about midnight-- I'd made John turn the clock away from me, because I didn't want to watch it all night. I knew I had a long slog ahead, and I didn't want to get discouraged. I'd seen that the contractions were coming roughly every 2 minutes, and I didn't want to know anymore.

The contractions... I'm not sure what to say about them. In the shower, I handled them best by letting the water spray on my back, down low (where I kept my fists jammed most of the night, the result being that my shoulders were killing me the next day) while I rocked my hips back and forth. I was chanting the Goddess Chant through each surge-- two versions, mine and 
Starhawk's. Sometimes I got them mixed up, but I doubt the Bright Lady cared!

Starhawk: Isis Astarte Diane Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna
Mine: Isis Athena Rhiannon Cerridwen Brighid Anath Arianrhod


Soon it changed to "Open" over and over, longer and more drawn out with each surge: "Oooooooopennnn. Oooooooooooooppppppennnnnnn." Four or five of those got me through a contraction.


In the pool, early on, I spent time on my knees, still rocking my pelvis. When a contraction came, I had to submerge-- get under it, literally. I went to my hands and knees, then into a push-up position. I hung onto the side of the pool, chanting "open" again and again-- my old trick of counting through each contraction, which I used throughout my labor with Gareth during that idiotic seventeen-hour induction, failed me this time. Nor was I able to escape the sensations and go elsewhere, the way I had last time. This was much faster, much more intense. 

I found I was better able to handle the contraction on my feet, so I stood up much of the time, knee-deep in warm water, fists thrust into the hollow of my back, toning. "Open" was now just "Ohhhhhh... ohhhhhhh" low and loud-- I couldn't control it, though I didn't want to wake John up. I stood there in the semi-darkness-- the living room lights were out, but the bathroom light shone through-- singing my birth song and trying to work with, rather than against, the expansions of my uterus.


Does anyone remember the study that said that even a "virtual doula" helps a woman get through labor-- that someone in her head, an imaginary doula to encourage her, is beneficial? Well, I can say that for me, at least, it was true. The real-life doula I had during my attempt at hospital VBAC was kind but ineffectual. The one in my head this time-- Kmom!-- was brilliant! She said everything I needed to hear: you're doing great. Keep breathing. don't forget to pee. You're doing this, you really are!

And so I labored. As before,  I had no concept of time. John tells me it was about 1 am when my vocalizing changed and he woke up fully (he'd only been dozing anyway). About 1:30 he remarked casually, "They're less than a minute apart now. You ARE progressing. They're lasting about 20 seconds."

Twenty seconds--?? I was crushed. I kept thinking, "longer, stronger, closer together." If these were only 20 seconds-- !!!

"I don't want to know that," I groaned. "Don't tell me that."

After a few minutes, Kmom told me to go to the bathroom again, so I did. I emptied my bladder-- John had placed a large mug of water and a huge plastic cup of crushed ice on a milk crate beside the pool, and I had been drinking and crunching plenty-- then got back into the shower. It wasn't as comforting as it had been, so I went back to my pool and asked John to add some more water. He tried to hold me, offering to do a supported squat, but I couldn't bear to be touched during a contraction. So he bailed some water out of the pool and replaced it with hot.

He was so supportive, even though he felt he didn't do enough, that he was "too hands-off." But that's exactly what I needed. He held the space and he kept my water hot. He sat quietly and watched me, but didn't interfere; he helped me focus when I really needed it. He was perfect, and for that, I will always be grateful.

A small piece of my mind wondered where I was, dilation-wise. I didn't want to psych myself into thinking it would be done soon, even though it felt VERY fast and intense to me. I was trying to prepare myself, physically and mentally, for another whole day of this-- longer, if necessary! Think of Eugenie, I told myself-- Eugenie, brave woman, who labored for 80-plus hours to birth her son. Yes, I argued with myself, but think...

There were clues, and I couldn't help but notice them: the way I was toning through contractions, the lowing, birthsong quality to them. Shorter, more intense contractions could mean I was in or near transition. I was starting to feel nauseated at the end of each surge. I never did throw up, but I told John repeatedly that I felt I might. I started dozing or "zoning out" between contractions, drifting into a strange, incoherent laborland. I could only endure contractions by standing and rocking my hips, then getting underwater and floating once I'd passed the peak.

I realized I was feeling very foggy. Random thoughts crossed my mind-- bizarre, dreamlike notions that seemed to make sense at the time, even though a part of me knew they didn't. The only one I remember was odd-- and please, don't anyone take this as offensive, it's just what wandered through my head: "I wonder why it is that white women named Irene often shorten their name to Reni, while non-white women just use 'Irene'?" [I have no idea if this is true, but I doubt it. Weird labor thoughts!] "And why is it 'Ear-ray-na" in England, but 'Eye-reen' here?" Transition, anyone? ;)

Then, abruptly, the fog lifted. Suddenly I was thinking clearly again-- the world came back into focus. And to my astonishment and chagrin, I realized that I was pushing at the end of each contraction!


This can't be right, I thought wildly. Something's wrong-- it's too soon--


But it didn't feel wrong; it felt right. Not good, but RIGHT. So I pushed.

I remember thinking, I want this over! I want it over and done. How much can a person be expected to take? This is silly! I did not have to do this!

I don't think I said any of this aloud (and Kmom chastised me, albeit gently, in my head!). I know I did whine, "I can't do this!" once or twice, and John came and looked me straight in the eyes, saying, "Yes, you can, you are, you're doing great." I reminded myself that I'd known what I was getting into, I'd made my choices and I had to accept them, and whinging about it wasn't going to help anything. I may as well be there, since I had to be-- it was like that old kids' game, "Going on a Bear Hunt" : "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Have to go THROUGH it." At times I hated it-- my friend Gretchen is right, pushing SUCKS-- but I kept going through.

The urge to push was subtle. It wasn't "I GOTTA PUSH," the way it was when I was laboring with Gareth. It was like something had taken over my body and was pushing whether I liked it or not! I began to roar with each push, getting louder and stronger.

"You're progressing," John said with satisfaction.


"I think I'm pushing," I told him.

"Don't wear yourself out. Take it easy."

Easy to say, but the effort was impossible to resist. I was worried-- it still seemed too early (as far as I can make out, it was only about 2 am) to be pushing. I hadn't been laboring long enough. I was afraid that I was only 5 cm with a badly malpositioned baby, that I was making it worse with every surge, swelling my cervix and sealing my doom. I didn't know what to do, and I said so. Then, in a fit of desperation and doubt, I asked John to check me-- the first vaginal exam I'd had since I was 9 weeks along and worried about a possible miscarriage.

He went and scrubbed up-- offered to use bleach (!!!) but I convinced him that soap and water was sufficient, as long as he scrubbed for at least 20 seconds. (I think he did 2 solid minutes. ;) He came back, and we waited through another contraction. Then I tried to lay back and let him fumble around for a moment or two, as long as I could endure. He reported, "No, nothing."

I wanted to cry. In fact, I think I did cry, a little it. How much more could I bear? What should I do?

Another surge, like a terrier shaking a rat. Lots of show, some gushing fluid, intense pressure in my rectum. Something was moving through me-- there was no escaping it. "It feels like it's right there," I kept saying. "It" was hard to describe, but it felt foreign-- not me. It seemed to move opposite to me-- if I swung my hips left, it rotated right, or else I rotated around it while it stayed still. It didn't hurt, but it was very, very uncomfortable. There was no getting away from it. It was... inexorable.

I pushed and roared and pushed, giving up my brain's worries to let my body, my primitive self, take over. "I surrender," I told the Universe. "Whatever happens..."

It went on, and on, and on. I had no clue what time it was, or how long I'd been there. I pushed standing up in my pool until my knees shook and threatened to buckle, then I went back to kneeling. I tried to push while lying on my side-- first right, then left-- but while floating on my side and back between contractions felt good, pushing in those position did NOT!

Standing was best-- kneeling was tolerable, but only just. Sitting, lying, even floating in the push-up pose I'd used earlier-- these were all completely untenable.

"Bathroom," Kmom commanded in my head, and I managed to drag myself out. I sat on the toilet and pushed there through a few surges-- that felt pretty good, but not as effective as I'd hoped, so I went back to the pool. Surge-- push-- howl like a wolf. Repeat.


After awhile, John, who was getting more excited and nervous, asked me, "Should I check you again?"


"If you want..."

More groping, then, "It feels like it's getting harder."

"The head?"

"I don't know... but I can tell you, you're really open."

Push. Roar! Breathe. Again. And again. Have I ever worked so hard in my life?

Push. Push with all my might-- I was worried that I was doing the "purple pushing" encouraged in hospitals. Shouldn't I be trying to breathe the baby out instead?

Screw it! I thought grimly. I don't care if I tear six ways from Sunday. I want this kid OUT!



Push. ROAR! Breathe.



Over and over, more than body and soul can bear. I can't do it. I can't. Not anymore. I can't.

"Yes, you can," John insisted. "You've come this far. You're not giving up now. You've told me a hundred thousand times you can do it, and I believe you. You CAN."


I reached down, trying to see if I could feel-- something, anything. "If it helps," John was saying, "your belly [meaning the bump that was Rowan] is lower." With my last push, I had felt a stinging sensation, and the phrase "ring of fire" had danced through my mind, but I had quickly dismissed it. Still-- maybe my perineum was at least bulging a bit--

And there "it" was, just under my fingers, barely inside me: a squishy soft mound, damp and warm. I froze. O my dear good Goddess--

"There's a head there," I said, shocked.

John lit up. "Yay! You're almost there!"

Another push-- the head slipped back, but only a little, and there was a definite burn now. I didn't care-- it wasn't bad, and anyway, there was a head there! Set me on fire, I don't mind, I'm BIRTHING!


The surge ended. "Want to feel?" I asked John, and he reached into the water-- I must have been kneeling at this point. I can't describe the expression on his face. "Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah..."


PUSH! I bore down hard, remembering the old saw, "Giving birth is like passing a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon." I pressed my fingers hard into the skin around my vagina, trying to stretch the tissues. That one stung-- but in the next moment, I had a small (!) firm head in my hand! John was holding it too-- Rowan was out to his ears, maybe, and I was screaming. It HURT-- the only part of the whole labor I could truthfully call, well, excruciating.

"What now?" John wanted to know. He was stunned.

"Wait," I gasped, "for the next contraction..."

"Come on..."

It felt like forever. I tried to push without the contraction, but the baby didn't budge. For the first time all night I was praying-- pleading-- BEGGING for another contraction!


Finally it came-- and I PUSHED--

The head came out; the shoulders and body quickly followed. (So much for my fears about shoulder dystocia!) Before my brain could register was had happened, I was holding a slippery new baby in my arms!

I sat back-- the pool, which up till now had stayed remarkably clear, was now murky with fluid, blood, mucus, and fecal material-- but mine; there was no meconium. I didn't care what I was sitting in. I had done it! I BIRTHED MY BABY!!!!

I VBAC'd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hello," I crooned to my new little bug. "Oh, hello!"

He was perfect-- well, I didn't know he was a "he" yet-- snuggled up to my shoulder. He was dusky, but his face and chest were pink. He hadn't made a sound. I rubbed him, talked to him-- he opened his eyes and looked at me, but he still didn't make a peep.


"Hi, sweetie," I said. "Oh, you're so beautiful. Look at you-- oh, hello, Rowan!" 


He finally whimpered a little when I gave into John's increasingly anxious requests and turned him over to check the sex. I laughed in surprise: "Oh my God, it's Rowan Riley!"

Rowan would have been Rowan whether he was a boy or a girl, but with different middle names depending on gender. We had been expecting a girl all along, but Rowan fooled us. We laughed and Rowan finally cried, and I held him close while John got a towel to cover us.

I couldn't stop thinking, I did it! I DID it!! I DID IT!!!!!

"What time...?" I managed.

"Congratulations!!!" John shouted. "You did it-- 4:33 am!"

4:33 am?? That's ALL??! I was in complete shock-- my water broke at 5 pm, I'd only really labored since 11 pm. Five and half hours, and most of it pushing...? Early in the evening I had joked, "Wouldn't it be great if the kids could wake up and find their new sibling? And I could call my mom and tell her to stop by on her way to work?" I never thought it would happen...

John helped me out of the pool and we headed for the bedroom, marveling over our new baby boy. I found a tape measure and tried to get some stats-- I came up with 14 1/2" head circumference (molded) and 21 1/2" body length, but Rowan wasn't very cooperative, so they were largely gross estimates. He seemed smaller than his siblings-- smaller than Gareth, certainly, who had been 10 lbs 5 oz; maybe littler than Rhiannon, who'd weighed a pound less. But who cared? I had birthed him!

I put him to the breast, and he latched on and nursed for quite some time-- twenty, thirty minutes? Can't recall. I was still have irregular, intense contractions, and around 5:15, they started gearing back up, getting stronger and closer together. I told John to get the big plastic bowl I'd bought, and I got up to deliver the placenta. Push-- but only a small, palm-size piece came out. A clot? No, definitely part of the placenta. It was followed by another, larger chunk, and in a few minutes, the largest piece-- but still only a quarter to a third of the whole. This one included the cord, which was perfectly, beautifully attached, just as it should have been-- a proper, three-vessel cord with textbook insertion.

I knew that a placenta that delivers in pieces is a bad thing, and if I had been thinking straighter I would have called for transport then. But I was high on my birth, I was exhausted, and I just wanted it to be over so I could bask in the afterglow and snuggle with my little guy. In retrospect, of course, it was a bad call.

John went and called my mom and said, as I'd instructed, "Stop by the house on your way to work-- there's someone you'll want to meet." Then he came back and took the baby, and I got up and took a shower! Such a small thing, but when one's previous "birth" experiences entailed major surgery and a long period of convalescence, the ability to step into one's own shower, unassisted, is nothing short of a miracle-- and underscores yet again (as if I needed reminding!) the vast difference between a vaginal birth and cesarean surgery. The latter is most definitely NOT "just another way to have a baby"!!

At 6:30 we woke the kids up to get ready for school. John told Rhiannon, "Come in here and see-- baby Rowan came." Rhi tore into my room, saw Rowan, and stopped short, staring in awe. Then she cooed, "Oh, he's soooo cute!" Gareth came just after, amazed to find that "the baby came out of Mama's tummy!" They were just precious, both of them.

My mom and sister arrived at 7:15 with a baker's dozen of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. They stayed with me and admired the baby while John took Rhi to school. My sister was especially amazed-- she had fully expected me to have to be taken to the hospital in a flight-for-life helicopter for emergency surgery. She'd had nightmares that Rowan and I would die-- the main reason I hadn't told her or my mom that I'd been in labor.

"I can't believe it," my sister kept saying. "You look great. I remember after Gareth was born-- even after Rhi. You looked so sick-- grey and little and sick. Now you're just... glowing!"

If pride and excitement were visible, I'd be lighting up the entire city. I've never felt so alive, so empowered, in my life. I could move mountains!

My mom went on to work, and my sister took Gareth. John and I rested, then got up and took Rowan to our pediatrician, when he was 6 hours old. The office staff was aghast and amazed when we told them about our unassisted homebirth. But the doctor pronounced Rowan "perfect!" and gave us the official stats: 21 1/2" long, 14 1/2" head, 10 lbs 8 oz!!!! Bigger-- just a little, but he had had a wet and dirty diaper since his birth-- than Gareth!!!

I was stunned-- I'd really thought Rowan was smaller, since I didn't get as big as I had with his brother, and he just seemed little. I'll admit I was slightly disappointed, thinking, Well, maybe I couldn't deliver a ten-pounder, but at least I can deliver an eight-pounder.... But the scale confirmed it: TEN-POINT-FIVE POUNDS, definitely a "big baby" by modern medical standards. That ten-pound stigma had caused my medwife to dump me last time-- she was terrified of Gareth's size. But I birthed the same size baby on my own with no problems-- no sticky shoulders, not a tear, not a skidmark, nothing! HA!!!!!!!!!! Take THAT, sOBs and Evil Medwives of the world!!!

Birth happens. I know it does. It happened right there in a blow-up pool in my living room. Birth happens as God/dess intended, without drugs or knives or sterile fields. Birth happens.

It wasn't perfect-- I still had the retained placenta to deal with. (I'll write a separate epilogue for that-- I've gone on long enough!) But in the end, it was all so beautifully simple. I went into labor. I dilated to complete, without anyone having to reach gloved fingers into my body to verify it. When it was time to push, my body did what it was supposed to (although I'm a little bitter that I didn't get my "rest and be thankful" moment!). I acted instinctively to assume the positions that were best to facilitate Rowan's descent. I supported my own perineum, and I did not tear. Rowan was born-- and so was I.





3 comments:

Alice and Mother said...

Such a beautiful story!

Alice and Mother said...

Such a beautiful story! Thank you for taking the time to write it xx

theamberduffey said...

I just read this after you posted a link in a facebook group...THIS is absolutely beautiful and inspiring! THANK YOU!